Monday, March 2, 2009

AvoidantSanctuary : Post Message

AvoidantSanctuary : Post Message: "Another newbie bites the bullet"

First of all I'm almost sixty, so let's face it, I'm not going to be undergoing any big life changing experiences here. I am what I am. I have the same problems today that I had forty years ago whatever they are. I'm locked inside my head in a way that's not going to end. It's depressing to say that, but in a way it is also liberating.

Sure I can work on new things, things that might make a real difference in my life. I can try to come out from behind that curtain that seems to have been given to me at birth. I can fight the good fight. It seems like it is all that I have done my entire life. As a disabled vietnam veteran I know a little about redefining victory.

Maybe I've come to a point in my life where I can deal with some of the things that haven't been the most blantant but might have been feeding the conflicts that seem to rule me. I should add that I am also manic depressive. Fighting depression and mania and their concomitant problems are priority number one. How the whole thing fits together is really beyond me. I don't know if I'd believe anybody if they did have an explanation.

One thing I do know is that I always bite off more than I can chew. I get grandiose in an instant. My mind has a mind of its own. There's nothing I can't fantasize about. No matter where this leads me I'll have wanted to go further. It has been my experience that I see things the clearest the first time I look at them. After that it is all about dealing with reality. I know I haven't said a lot here. It's the first cut that is the deepest, though. Thanks for listening.

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