PatientsLikeMe : Forum : Inner Chatter: "I've been having these never ending conversations in my head with my doctor, and it is driving me nuts! I just started back on topomax which is notorious for brain fog. I've got a few things I'm feeling guiltiy about, and I'm having some mixed states. He didn't want to give me topomax because he said it wouldn't control my mania, and we all know how much bipolars love to get high. All in all I'm just a mess. You can say it was a mistake to go back. Maybe it was, but what were my options? I've been on three different meds in the past few months and I'm afraid my doc was about to withdraw treatment. He is fed up with me. I don't blame him. I would be too. I'm at the end of my rope with no place to go. So topomax is it. I'm manic, and I'm going to try to hide it from him. Of course I'll be down by the time I see him. I just have live with the guilt and the shame and the bewilderment as to what to do. Basically there are medications that make me feel like crap that do control my mania. I have refused to take them. Now the chickens have come home to roost. Now I have to pay the piper. Pay me now or pay me later. And after this I get to look forward to a nice bout of depression. Isn't that special? Still, I can't go back to the crap. I've used up all my free trials so it's the topomax or nothing.
I just figured something out! I knew it would help my thinking to write something down. I know this is unbelieveably simple, but this shows what a fog I'm in. Duh! I need to try a little extra. I was reading what others were saying about topomax. I'm taking 100 a day. Some are taking as much as 400 a day. Just thinking about it seems to clear my head. Is that the placebo effect or what? I'm so strange. I'm just a strange old man with nothing to do except complain. I still feel guilty about my doc. He's not really a doc. He's a nurse practioner. Doctors don't do anything for me. They think they deserve a lot of money, and they try to keep other people from doing things that they think only they should do. They're stuck up pricks that you have to suck up to. Is that a little negative? I have problems with authority, doctors and policeman. Try me. Don't treat me. Really doctors are the biggest reason we don't have universal health care. They were the biggest impediment to medicare. They get away with murder. Armys cause wars. Police cause crime, and doctors'll kill ya. Well, you've been a great audience. Remember to tip your bartenders and waitresses. This has been really good for my mental health. Thankyou and good night.